Sunday, October 26, 2003

"Love, Exciting and New..."

Finally, love conquers all...

Especially at the business end of a sawed-off double-barrel shotgun. But as usual the only redeemable part about this overseas Hatfield between McCoy feud facsimile might be the sweet music playing when the guilty parties mouth, "I do." Somehow the inmates running the asylum left the door open to the room housing the victrola where the only songs left were:

1) Pachelbel's Canon in D
2) Debussy's Clair de Lune
3) Mozart's Romanze from Eine Kleine Nachtmusik
4) Tan Dun's Eternal Vow
5 and 6) Sade's By Your Side and Kiss of love
7, 8 and 9) Roberta Flack's Feel Like Makin' Love, The Closer I Get To You and Tonight, I Celebrate Your Love (with Peabo Bryson)
10) Barry White's Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe
11) Destiny Child's Dangerously in Love
12) The Reverend Al Green's Let's Stay Together (long version, of course)
13) Ole' Blue Eye's (Love Is) The Tender Trap
14) Macy Gray's I Try
15) Toni Braxton's Breathe Again
16) Babyface's Lady, Lady
17, 18 and 19) Taiwanese love songs from the sixties by assorted artists.

Strangely the needle still worked.

So Bob Eubanks, what say you to magnanimity and allow the newly wed contestants at the very least a thirty second headstart before setting the hounds loose? Before this sorry excuse for Sadie Hawkins Day turns into a lopsided three-legged potato sack hop.

Hell, it is only the decent thing to do.

Thursday, October 02, 2003

Notes on achieving masterhood

Thin planks cleft in half, splintered and serrated edges reconstructing a karate chop. Jujitsu flip the whole bundle around the broken joints without any wood glue. It builds character and external form from the hip, bent forward with eyes trained on the target. Losing sight prompts a sneer and the punitive whack upside the head. So how thick is the color yellow?

Contrary to popular belief, boards do actually hit back.