Monday, March 14, 2005

"The apple never falls far from the tree."

So without further adieu and in its glorious unedited entirety, a very proud uncle proudly presents:

The Love That Seeks Revenge

When a family member dies, relatives of he or she mourn the loss of them. Some families bury them in a cemetery. Some families have the body cremated. Even some families write their name in an obituary. But, the Sarayashis differ from each aspect of mourning of a family member’s death. They seek bitter revenge.

“Excuse Father,” said, a nineteen year-old girl with long, brown hair named Jade. Jade Sarayashi was a nineteen year-old girl who had a talent for cooking up delectable evening meals. “ Father, the gas can for the hot pot tonight has gone out. I am going to go to the store for some extra gas cans and raw beef for Vincent. I’ll hurry.”
“Take your time, Jade. It’s only eight o’clock and Vincent and Azoru won’t be home till nine o’clock. Plus, I have to do something around the house. Take your time,” replied, Father Sarayashi.
“Okay. See you soon.” And the door opened and closed.
“I’m sorry my children” said, Father Sarayashi and he went up to his master bedroom.
On the way back from the supermarket, Jade noticed a blue light strike and break one of the windows of her home. As fast as her athletic legs could carry her, she rushed to her home praying that her father was not injured. When she got to her home she saw to twin brothers.
“Who are you two?” yelled, Jade with tears in her eyes. “Why did you slaughter my father as if he was a nuisance!?”
“My name is Annak.”, said, a twenty-six year old boy with short black hair and a blood-dripping sword in his hand. “And this is my twin brother Calex.”
Calex had black hair with streaks of brown towards the top. Calex wore a long, black cloak with a red streak up to his shoulder on both sides.
“We killed your father because he didn’t keep his end of the deal.” sneered, Calex.
“What was the deal?” Jade asked.
“ He was to give us your sister, Satori.”, remarked Annak.
“I have no sister named Satori. You were mistaken.” And Jade punched Annak in the face.
“Why I haven’t felt pain in years.”, said Annak. “We must go, Calex, but don’t think that I won’t kill you like father.” Then Annak threw a smoke bomb directly at Jade. After the smoke cleared, there was no sign of the twins.
“Father, speak to me. Who is Sa…”
“Never mind that. Go in to the top drawer of my dresser and take out the black key before it’s to late. Once you have taken out the key, open the silver chest next to my lamp-stand. Inside the chest…”
It was to late. Father Sarayashi body went cold. Then, his body just disappeared into thin air.
“FATHER!!! Mark my words Annak and Calex, you will pay your lives for this miserable deed.”

Just then, two boys came in the house. Their names were Vincent and Azoru Sarayashi. Vincent was a twenty-one year old boy with dark brown hair. Azoru was a fifth-teen year old boy with dark brown hair who always wore a dark blue shirt with jeans.
“Hi Jade.”, said Azoru, “Why the long look on your face?”
“Father was just killed.”, replied Jade.
“What!”, said Vincent.
“Father was killed by some evil twins.”, said Jade.
“By some chance, were their names, Calex and Annak?”, questioned Vincent.
“This is a serious problem.”, said Vincent. “Was there any thing else Father said?”
“Yeah, he said there was some key that would open up some chest in his room.”, said Jade.
“Okay let’s go open that chest”, said Azoru excitedly. “ But, where is the key?”
“In the top drawer of his dresser”
“Okay. Let’s go!”
When the Sarayashis got to their father’s room, it was locked shut.
“Let me break it down.”, said Azoru.
“Be careful.”, said Jade.
With all the strength Azoru had, Azoru knocked the door down.
“Hurry. Get in.”, said Vincent.
The Sarayashis quickly ran in the room. When the Sarayashis where in the room, Jade opened the top drawer of the dresser and seized the key. Inside the drawer was a medium-sized mirror. With curiosity, Jade tapped on the mirror three times. To everyone’s surprise, a girl’s face appeared.
“Thank you for awakening me.”, said the unknown girl. “My name is Satori. I know that we haven’t met before, but I am your sister.
“You are not our sister. I bet you don’t know even know our names and ages.”, testified Azoru.
“Azoru-15, Jade-19, and Vincent-21.”, proclaimed Satori.
“Okay. She is our sister.”
“Hi nice to meet you. I don’t mean to be impolite, but why are you in a mirror?”, asked Jade.
“ It was before all of you were born. Our father vowed to keep it a secret from all of you. It was a sunny day. I was out in the meadow playing with this mirror that enables me not to be in life form with you. Without my knowing, it was the day of a solar eclipse. But, this was not any regular eclipse. This eclipse was the eclipse of a new century. Little did I know, this mirror has a strong demonic aura and didn’t do well with eclipses, so it sucked me right into it. That is why I am the way I am.”, said Satori
“Is there any way of saving you from this everlasting fate?”, asked Jade.
“You could have an exorcism on the mirror.” , said Azoru.
“Good idea. Get the strongest monk you can find Azoru.”, said Jade.
“Wait, get the ashen salt, (A salt used to ward off demons) we can use the mirror again.”, implied Vincent.
“What are you going to use it for?”, asked Satori
“You’ll see.”, said Vincent, “Now hurry and get the salt and once you get it throw it on the mirror.
“ Yes brother.”, said Azoru
When Azoru came back with the ashen salt, he threw in right in top of the mirror. When the ashen salt hit the mirror, vivid colors of came out and so did Satori.
“Thank you. Now I heard you were going to open that silver chest over there.”, said Satori.
“I almost forgot.”, said Jade.
When Jade opened the chest, she saw a golden horn with a note attached to it.
The note said:
If you are reading this note, I am probably dead. This golden horn enclosed is the horn the belonging to my murderers, Calex and Annak.
If you seek revenge, just blow this horn and the twins will come to the harmonic sound. If you intend to do this, just use extreme caution.
Sincerely, Father Sarayashi

“That’s it”, said Azoru expectantly.
“Yep. That’s all.”, replied Jade.
“Okay, if we are to seek revenge, we must be prepared.”, said Satori.
“You’re right. If we expect to blow the horn, we have to have a great defense or the same fate will occur like father’s fate.”, remarked Vincent. “Okay. Here’s the plan. We all go in to the woods. Jade, you will be pretending that you are helpless and lost. Azure and I will be up a tree or hiding in the bushes and I will blow the horn. Then Calex and Annak will appear and recognize you. Then you, Satori, will walk out and aid you, Jade. When they almost kill you I will unleash the secret.”
When the Sarayashis entered the forest, every thing went according to plan.
“Which one do you think we shall shred into pieces first, Calex?”, asked Annak.
“Keep your filthy hands of my sister you fiend!”, shouted Vincent.
“What are you going to do about you brat”, said Anna.
“This”, answered Vincent.
Then Vincent held up the mirror and shined it directly at the evil twins. Suddenly, the mirror devoured both of the twins into it. After sucking the menacing twins into it, Vincent shattered the glass so that Calex and Annak wouldn’t cause any more problems.
“Why, Vincent, I never knew you were that heroic. Now I know that family comes first and nothing will get in the way of that special bond.”, said Satori.
“That’s right.”, replied Vincent.
“ Can we go home? I’m starving!”, whined Azoru.
“Is that all you can think of.”, teased Jade.
“You’re right let’s go home.”, said Vincent.

God bless J.K. Rowling, J.R.R. Tolkien, C. S. Lewis and the host of British-born authors with letters of the alphabet for first names like G. K. Chesterton, A. A. Milne, D. H. Lawrence and ilk.

Each and every one of them.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

An ESPN classic, already

"Rupture" sight unseen:

Bladder-related, water-laden and exceedingly colonic, this film
positively urinates a stream-of-broken-consciousness heretofore
unmatched except for expansive Flubber as our protagonist suddenly
discovers the true meaning of…

Now that is the type of movie worth its weight in gold.